Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Red Door


Yes, and so I chose to accept and try not to analyze the situation.  I know my task is to humbly accept and not understand the circumstances.  There is a reason behind his sudden silence  and mysterious disappearance.  There must be.  This is a journey of faith.  Let go and let God.

Yes, I do know and I do believe it.  However, the curious and inquisitive part of me wants to know and is craving for an answer.  And so that morning I held a special prayer request.

Dear God, I know have everything in control in Your great and mighty hands.  I believe that Your wisdom is upon this situation.  But is just seems unfair leaving me hanging like this. And I wish You would reveal the reason to me. In your time, You may or probably may not reveal the reason to me.  Either way, help me to remain faithful, humble and grateful to accept this gift that You have given me.

Just when I surrendered and gave up, unexpectedly the answer arrived.

Hours later after my prayer I heard from him.  He apologized for his disappearance and explained truth behind the veil which he has been keeping from me.  Without revealing too much information and to make the story short, he is currently battling with extreme depression catapult to the breakdown of his marriage 2 years ago.  They were high school sweethearts, got married at the early age of 17.  After 12 years of marriage, he one day went home to a literally empty house.  His ex-wife left him for another man with all their conjugal properties and bank account in tow.  He was left empty handed. 

He has his days of ups and down, but he feels he has never been better.  He feels lost and without any glimmer of hope.  He is a wreck and cannot dare to present himself before me as he is.  As much as he likes me and to be with me, he said he does not want to bring me down to his nightmares.

I silently listened and absorbed everything.  

I completely understand his situation right now.  In fact, I would be more in doubt if he says he is fine and has gotten over from his past at this stage. As if being betrayed and rejected is not enough.  But being ripped off with everything he has worked hard for is another thing.  And 12 years of marriage - they literally grew up together, sharing their most exciting transition stage from teenage years to their young adult 20's.  For him, she is the only woman he has ever loved.  

I can just imagine the horror he must be undergoing.  I may have never experienced divorce, but my gully the breakup I experienced felt like one. It ripped me apart and tore me to pieces... But mine pales in comparison compares to his.  If I were in his place, who knows in what state I would be in. I dare not say it.  Two years would not be enough for me to get over everything.

I sympathize with him and I do not judge him for the state that he is.  However, I disagree in his statement that he is hopeless.  I tried my best to reassure him that there is always hope and there always will be.  He just needs to take the journey to his recovery one step at a time.  

Nevertheless, despite my reassurance, he is adamant that he will never get better and that it would be unfair for me to be with him and bear the burden of his issues, blah..blah..blah...

We then subsequently had a ping-pong exchange of dialogues, with me trying to convince him that everything will be fine and that I am willing to help him see through the end of the tunnel, and him maintaining his stance that he is hopeless and could never change.

I did not want to drop the ball, but I did.  I ended up telling him that when I look at him, I do not see his colorful past nor his dire present, but I his potential and his dynamic future. I reassured him that there is hope and that I am willing to stick around to make him realize that hope.  However my help can only go as far as he would let me.  Life is about the choices we make in our lives.  I hope he chooses well.  I told him I will not impose myself on him.  I am offering my hand to go through this journey with him, it is up to him to take it or not - whenever he is feels ready.

Then again came silence.  And so he has gotten back in to hiding.  But I am not  going to look for him nor hound him.  After all, this is his battle, this is his journey.  I cannot do the fighting for him.  The best I can offer is my helping hand and listening ear, if he needs one.  And I believe I have made myself more than clear to him.  

Whist I now know the reason, I am not sure if I have fulfilled my purpose in his life.   Have I completely done my part already?  I do not know the answer.  And so I leave my doors open for him... just in case...

And while I am pondering on this thought, this somehow reminds me of God's love for mankind.  It is available for everyone. Sometimes our problem is we limit God according to our perception and understanding, that which prevents God from completing His work in our lives.  Just because we have problems extending love and forgiveness to other and even including ourselves, does not mean that God cannot love and forgive us. 

We do not need to have great amount of faith to make Him work through our life.  Even a faith as small as a mustard seed is enough already.  Because it is not by our faith, but by God's love, grace and mercy that moves the mountains.  Nevertheless, God can only work through our lives if we allow Him to.  

Here's a comforting thought, God's love for us steadfast. No matter how we mess up with our lives, God never gives up on us.  There is nothing we can do to stop God from loving us.  His love is relentless.  His mercies are new everyday.  His grace is limitless. But those who receive are those who believe.

We may close the doors of our hearts on ourselves; our capacity to change and be better; on others and the help that they are extending; and even on to God Himself. But God will never close His doors on us.  In fact, He sits right beside the doorstep of our hearts patiently waiting for it to open and welcome Him... Will you let Him in?
  

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