Friday, December 21, 2012

My Ode to 2012



I would normally do my year-end review nearer to the end of the year (obviously!).  However, I am set for my holiday trip and will be leaving for Melbourne later today to spend my Christmas there, and my New Year in Sydney.  Now, that's what I call ending the year with style and starting the year with a bang... It is called, moving on (or at least trying to).

Moving on does not mean you forget about things.  It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living.  

2012 … I have loved.  I have lost, I have missed. I have fought, I have been hurt.  But most of all I have learned.

At the end of it all, no matter how things turned out, I have no regrets because I know I have loved deeply, fully and passionately.  No regrets.  If I am to be hurt because of love, I would rather be hurt because of trying hard to make it work, rather than getting hurt of regretting for not trying hard enough.

It is so easy to look back in 2012 and see

pain,

            mistakes,

                               heartache. 

But I look through my pink patio lens and see

strength,

                 lessons learned,

                                            hope.

2012 has not destroyed me nor defeated me.  It has pruned me and moulded me in preparation of greater things to come.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Holiday Blues




I think a tad of the Christmas holiday blue bug has infected my little bluebird heart.

The season of Christmas comes along with strong emotions. It reminds you of togetherness and it longs the presence of the people you treasure the most.  So in the spirit of posterity, allow me to be sentimental and express these caged feelings.

I may be silent, but does not mean that I have stopped loving.

Those we love actually don't go away.  They walk beside us everyday.  Unseen, unheard but always near... hidden deep inside the recesses of our hearts....  Still loved. Still missed...

And just because it is Christmas, i say this with no hope, no expectations, no agenda... Have a Merry, Merry Christmas my Munchkin! (oh, how I miss calling his name!)

Now that I have said my piece,  I too can have my own Merry Little Christmas!!!

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ...

Monday, December 10, 2012

I May Never Forget, But I Can Forgive


As the year is about to end, I am making a conscious decision to tie  up my loose ends and hopefully close up some old wounds.  This way, I get to have a clean and a fresh start when I face the new year.... A brand new me, braving the new year, forgiving and forgetting all the hurts in the past.

Forgive and forget.  Is it possible?  I have read that the human mind can record up to 8 hundred memories per second and store the most significant of those memories for a lifetime.  It is therefore impossible to forgive and forget.  However, forgetting is not required for healing or forgiveness. What is needed is the decision to stop reliving the painful memories of the past. 

Putting in to words sounds so easy.  Actually doing it comes the difficult part.  But it is more difficult in the long run and even more debilitating to succumb to our emotions and hold on to pain, bitterness, hostility and unforgiveness.

To forgive is to deny that blaring emotions deep inside.  To forgive is to fight that feeling of anger exploding within.  To forgive is to discount that feeling of bitterness that you feel.  And when you are at the height of your emotions, admit it, it is easier to yield to hostility than maintaining amity and world peace.

However, if you dwell on these negative emotions, they take root and grow.  Soon enough, you find yourself swallowed by your own resentment or sense of injustice. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that it blinds your vision to enjoy the present and steal your joy.

Some people think that unforgiveness punishes the offender.  It does not.  Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who hurt you.  Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.  Through it, you unhook yourself from the past and free your soul to escape the dismal and experience the delightful again.

Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision of the will. The feeling comes after we make the decision – maybe just a moment later, or maybe years later.  It takes time for us to work through our anger and resentment.  Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change.

Forgiveness does not erase the pain.  Forgiveness does not bring back the past.  Forgiveness does not minimize or justify the wrong.  Forgiveness cannot even take away the consequences of the wrongdoing. But forgiveness is essential to the healing of the heart. To forgive is to let go of pain.

By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace hope, gratitude and joy. When you forgive, you let go of grudges and bitterness and make room for peace, kindness and compassion.

We forgive because the other person needs is.  We forgive, because we need it too. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

We may not forget, but we can forgive.  You know you have forgiven if you remember the situation, but it has lost its power to bring you pain.  You know you have forgiven, when you think of the person and from the bottom of you heart, you genuinely wish that person well.

To those, I have hurt this year and in the years past, I am genuinely sorry.  To those who have hurt me and in the years past, I forgive you.   

To myself, I forgive you too.  Don't beat yourself of your mistakes.  Enough of the what ifs, could have or should have.  Time now to focus on what is, what should and what will be.

Monday, December 03, 2012

Birthday Blog-o-gram


For the past consecutive nights I have been dreaming about MunchK again.  I have not dreamt about him for long now.  And recently his face, his touch, his smile is coming back to tease me again.  But this time, no more tears when I wake up.  I just tell myself that it is all but a dream.  That is all there is to right now.  No more than just a dream.

As I get myself out from my bed and start on with my morning routine, I ponder on how this is suddenly coming back to me all over again.  Must be because of his forthcoming birthday in a couple of days from now.  

As much as my Bluebird heart longs to greet him, it also does not want to disturb him, most especially not on his day.  I do not want to cause anything that might disrupt him.  As long as he is happy, then I am happy. That's the best  and the only gift I can ever give him at this moment.

Although I still sometimes wish we could be friends.  Perhaps now is not the right time yet. Perhaps someday that can be his gift to me too. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...  

Nevertheless, I remind myself to be generous and to give without expecting anything back in return.   

I am fine, I am OK. I have learnt to accept everything.  I embrace it. I have stopped the struggle. The worst is over.  I am learning to find peace and contentment. I am getting better.  I am free.  I am alive.  I am hopeful.  I am actually... H A P P Y.

Happy birthday MunchK! I am going to blow happy candles on your birthday and will make a wish for you. I wish you peace, happiness and love. I wish that your birthday will be great and that you get to be pampered like a prince. May you cap your day with a sweet night of birthday dreams and may your birthday dreams come true.