Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Amazing Reality of Reminiscence

I wanted to blog but I do not know where to begin, lest what topic to talk about. And then just realized that my cozy little pink patio has recently turned 10 years old.

Wow.  How time flies so fast.  When I ventured in to this thing, I had no idea where it will bring me.  I did not expect that I would be able to maintain this for 10 years. I had my moments of silence in between and did a couple of site renovations.  But it seems like my Pink Patio is here for long haul.  Long live and prosper!

In commemoration of my Pink Patio’s 10-year anniversary, I paused for a moment and for the first time, I reviewed all my past entries since the very beginning…  Amazing!

What a journey it has been.  Some of my anecdotes amaze me to think how I could have managed to survive the phases of my life that I traversed on. As I moved along with my life, I have forgotten some of those memoirs.   Reading them back again now, has brought me on to a trip back to memory lane.

As I read them, I inspected them from a third person’s point of view.  Who is this girl writing? … Did I just do that?  Did I just say that? … I am surprisingly encouraged by the display of strength, fortitude and faith that I had.  I am surprisingly pleased to see the depth of wisdom I possessed brought about from the troubles of my past. I did not know that I had it in me. 

My past entries were like love letters written by my younger self addressed to my current and future self as a reminder to myself that I may not be perfect but I have a big loving heart, filled with potential of equally being loved.  This reminiscent exercise has reminded me to keep moving forward and never give up.  I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

Ten years of amazing anecdotal journey. I celebrate this milestone by thanking the following:

1)  The Blogger/Blog spot website

Generally speaking, unlike some people, I do not rant personal posts about my daily emotions in my social network medium (Facebook and Twitter). I would still like to keep my privacy and leave a room for some mystery within my circle of network. They do not need to know the gory details of my bleeding heart.  Besides, I do not feel the need to vent through that medium, as my Pink Patio has sufficed me with this platform to do so.

Blogging became my new form of crying.  Which explains the recurring melancholic undertone that hovers around my patio here and there.  The more sad I am, the more that I write.  So when I am silent in my Pink Patio, it means life is treating me well.  No news is good news.
Thank you Blog spot for providing me with an avenue where I can fully express my emotions, no holds barred.

2) Pink Patio readers

I have not advertised my blog and still I managed to have a follower of readers. I am deeply honored and at the same time humbled by the thought that some people consider my writings noteworthy enough the be read, amidst the influx of all other streams of information in the world wide web.

I am not sure if my blog is regularly followed, but I would still like to take this opportunity to thank my followers for being here for me to “listen” to my lamentation of sorts. There was a time that I thought I was just venting to an empty and open space.  I did not mind it.  I am happy enough to voice out what I feel through writing. But I am even happier to know that I am being heard somewhere by someone.

I am wonderfully surprised that some of my readers even care enough about my woes to leave me some comments and notes of encouragement.  I feel your hugs and I hear you. Thank you. We may not personally know each other.  But I have entrusted to you my raw emotions.  This is truly a unique sort of bond that we share.  And for this, I consider you a friend.  Thank you partaking this unique gift with me.

3) The men that broke my heart

The origins of Pink Patio birthed from a broken heart.  This blog would have not been created had I not felt so much pain and brokenness.   I needed a creative outlet to pour my heart out and express my pain. 

To the men that broke my heart, thank you for once loving me and sharing a fraction of your past with me. Thank you for the beautiful memories, which still never fails to make me smile when I look back and think of them.  Thank you for fuelling my heart with passion that has given me so much inspiration to write with all my heart.

4) My family and friends

Not everyone in my circle knows about this blog.  If they all knew about this, they would be surprised to see this vulnerable, open and honest side of me.  Most of the time I hide behind a bubby and confident fa├žade.  Little do they know the truth that lies behind that cheerful smile that I wear.  But despite of them not knowing the total truth, they have never failed to leave me nor provide me with the support and encouragement that I need.  I am truly blessed having them on my side.  Thank you.

5) My God

I thank God for the gift of writing that enables me release the tension building up inside of me. 

I thank Him for the gift of experience. I have learned valuable lessons in the university of life.  I do not get it right all the time, but He has always loving enough to guide me back and patient enough to offer me second, third, fourth… chances to start afresh.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

I thank Him for the gift of hope.  Things may not be flowing exactly how I envisioned it to be.  But I trust in His loving wisdom that there is beauty and meaning behind all these things. I don’t’ see it now but someday, I will. 

Yes, life is beautiful, and so am I!  Ten years... I think I ought to buy myself a cake and celebrate.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

New Realities

New city, new work, new work, new life… new realities.  Three months after making my move and exploring a new life in a new city, I am still in the process of adjusting to the midst of my new realties.

New Pace

I am definitely in a bigger city now with all the big city hustle and bustle, not to mention the fast paced lifestyle.   I have longer work hours and longer travel time (even though I now live much closer to the CBD, ironic - isn't it?). Oh how much I miss the quaint and peaceful small city lifestyle!  … But there is a reason why I had to leave, and so I have to embrace this new reality.

I know I can survive this so easily as I have lived a much faster pace of lifestyle before in Manila.   However after three years of living in a quaint, peaceful city town, I have somehow mellowed down.  And so I am tightening my seatbelt and re-calibrating my speedometer to adjust back to a faster lane.

Ready, get set, go...  

New Penchant

Having a home to my own has brought out the podantic obsessive-compulsive nature in me. I have worked out a daily, weekly and monthly cleaning schedule.  Everything is organized and stacked neatly in its own proper color coded storage keeping unit.  Imagine Monica from the former TV series Friends incarnate. 

A friend made a comment on how much time and effort I exert in making a showroom of my house, which instead should be spent on going out, exploring the city and meeting new people.  What they don’t realize is that it is not about maintaining a pristine "showroom" presentation that I care about, it is more about making a resting haven for myself.  I like to go home to a neat and clean house after a stressful day at work. It is difficult for me to unwind and relax if I see any lose items lying anywhere around the house, or if I see some watermarks on the floor, etc.. A clean house equals a clean mind, peace and serenity.

New Promise

My friend may have a point about me needing to go out a little bit more, meeting new friends and making the most out of what this new vibrant city has to offer.  But I do not know, for some reason I feel unmotivated to do so. Perhaps this is part of my self-preservation defense. Subconsciously, I have developed this fear of people disappointing me, and vice versa. Meeting old friends I do not mind.  However  I feel like I am in no mood to go out and exert effort to be sociable in meeting new unfamiliar faces. if I force myself to go out and make new friends, I know I would just make myself a lousy company, which altogether defeats the purpose for it. I feel that I am still not ready to go out of my cage, as I am presently at the stage of rebuilding myself.

I know what I ought to do.  I know that I should not let my past experience immobilize me.  I know that.  But at the same time, I have to be true to myself and respect my currently reality that I just need some space and time for my own.  When I threw myself down in the pits of depression. I feel like I have forgotten about my worth and my identity. Now, I am slowly picking up the pieces of myself and rediscovering the bigger picture of myself.

No, I am not chaining myself from the past nor am I running away from the future.  This present reality is just a process that I have to undergo.  And most assuredly I say that this is just a temporary phase.  When the time is right and when I am ready, I will go out of my cage, spread my wings, fly and paint this town pink.  That’s a promise.

New Possibilities

A year has already passed since we parted;  I have already faced the horror of my life and saw him wearing a wide happy smile on his face together with another woman; I have moved to a new city … and still this damn flicker of hope still glows on like a lighthouse in the middle of the pitch black silent ocean. 

I have been told so many times, just like the song, that I die everyday waiting for him.  I do not want him to bear the burden of guilt for my slow steady death.  I know what I ought to do.  I am trying, everyday to make a conscious decision to move on.  Believe me.

It is hard to wait for something you know might never happen.  But it is even harder to give up when you know that it is everything you want.    Waiting hurts.  Forgetting hurts.  But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful.

Nevertheless, I hold on to my faith and submit everything to God. I am confident that with God, all things are possible.  And yes, I claim to that hope of a wonderful future with new and endless possibilities. That possibility can be anything… as in anything.  If we are meant to be, we will be – no matter how far fetched this may seem.  But if not, then that is another possibility of a different form or package that I am preparing myself to embrace – no matter how inconceivable this may be to me.  Either way, when the time comes for that possibility to reveal itself, I promise to wholeheartedly embrace it as if I had chosen it.  Time is my friend and I will wait for it when it is ready.

In the meantime, I will stay true to the course of my faith, let the future worry about itself and manage to find peace and contentment within the realms of my new and present realities.  I worry too much sometimes.  This is not how things should be.  And so I resolve to let go, stop worrying and have faith that in with God, things will work out for the best according to His time and His way.  This is not a false sense of illusion of some sort.  This is my reality and it is on its way, so I better get ready.