Sunday, June 16, 2013

New Realities

New city, new work, new work, new life… new realities.  Three months after making my move and exploring a new life in a new city, I am still in the process of adjusting to the midst of my new realties.

New Pace

I am definitely in a bigger city now with all the big city hustle and bustle, not to mention the fast paced lifestyle.   I have longer work hours and longer travel time (even though I now live much closer to the CBD, ironic - isn't it?). Oh how much I miss the quaint and peaceful small city lifestyle!  … But there is a reason why I had to leave, and so I have to embrace this new reality.

I know I can survive this so easily as I have lived a much faster pace of lifestyle before in Manila.   However after three years of living in a quaint, peaceful city town, I have somehow mellowed down.  And so I am tightening my seatbelt and re-calibrating my speedometer to adjust back to a faster lane.

Ready, get set, go...  

New Penchant

Having a home to my own has brought out the podantic obsessive-compulsive nature in me. I have worked out a daily, weekly and monthly cleaning schedule.  Everything is organized and stacked neatly in its own proper color coded storage keeping unit.  Imagine Monica from the former TV series Friends incarnate. 

A friend made a comment on how much time and effort I exert in making a showroom of my house, which instead should be spent on going out, exploring the city and meeting new people.  What they don’t realize is that it is not about maintaining a pristine "showroom" presentation that I care about, it is more about making a resting haven for myself.  I like to go home to a neat and clean house after a stressful day at work. It is difficult for me to unwind and relax if I see any lose items lying anywhere around the house, or if I see some watermarks on the floor, etc.. A clean house equals a clean mind, peace and serenity.

New Promise

My friend may have a point about me needing to go out a little bit more, meeting new friends and making the most out of what this new vibrant city has to offer.  But I do not know, for some reason I feel unmotivated to do so. Perhaps this is part of my self-preservation defense. Subconsciously, I have developed this fear of people disappointing me, and vice versa. Meeting old friends I do not mind.  However  I feel like I am in no mood to go out and exert effort to be sociable in meeting new unfamiliar faces. if I force myself to go out and make new friends, I know I would just make myself a lousy company, which altogether defeats the purpose for it. I feel that I am still not ready to go out of my cage, as I am presently at the stage of rebuilding myself.

I know what I ought to do.  I know that I should not let my past experience immobilize me.  I know that.  But at the same time, I have to be true to myself and respect my currently reality that I just need some space and time for my own.  When I threw myself down in the pits of depression. I feel like I have forgotten about my worth and my identity. Now, I am slowly picking up the pieces of myself and rediscovering the bigger picture of myself.

No, I am not chaining myself from the past nor am I running away from the future.  This present reality is just a process that I have to undergo.  And most assuredly I say that this is just a temporary phase.  When the time is right and when I am ready, I will go out of my cage, spread my wings, fly and paint this town pink.  That’s a promise.

New Possibilities

A year has already passed since we parted;  I have already faced the horror of my life and saw him wearing a wide happy smile on his face together with another woman; I have moved to a new city … and still this damn flicker of hope still glows on like a lighthouse in the middle of the pitch black silent ocean. 

I have been told so many times, just like the song, that I die everyday waiting for him.  I do not want him to bear the burden of guilt for my slow steady death.  I know what I ought to do.  I am trying, everyday to make a conscious decision to move on.  Believe me.

It is hard to wait for something you know might never happen.  But it is even harder to give up when you know that it is everything you want.    Waiting hurts.  Forgetting hurts.  But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful.

Nevertheless, I hold on to my faith and submit everything to God. I am confident that with God, all things are possible.  And yes, I claim to that hope of a wonderful future with new and endless possibilities. That possibility can be anything… as in anything.  If we are meant to be, we will be – no matter how far fetched this may seem.  But if not, then that is another possibility of a different form or package that I am preparing myself to embrace – no matter how inconceivable this may be to me.  Either way, when the time comes for that possibility to reveal itself, I promise to wholeheartedly embrace it as if I had chosen it.  Time is my friend and I will wait for it when it is ready.

In the meantime, I will stay true to the course of my faith, let the future worry about itself and manage to find peace and contentment within the realms of my new and present realities.  I worry too much sometimes.  This is not how things should be.  And so I resolve to let go, stop worrying and have faith that in with God, things will work out for the best according to His time and His way.  This is not a false sense of illusion of some sort.  This is my reality and it is on its way, so I better get ready.