Thursday, August 08, 2013

Onward Bound

"How are you?" ... Ask me this question a couple of weeks ago, and I would have answered in outburst of tears.

I have come to the lowest point in my life, thus far.  The heartaches I endured before pales in comparison to this. 

I concocted this brilliant plan of focusing on my career to escape my broken past and build a new and stronger future.  I intended invest all my emotions into my work and channel all my passion in building my career.  However, things at work are shockingly disappointing. I can't even begin to describe it nor will I even attempt to. Writing about it would only magnify it and I do not want to immortalize my frustrations here in my page.  

To make the story short, I am not happy with my situation at work.   I want to quit, run away and escape from it all.  I want to feel that satisfaction of handing my resignation.  However, I got bills to pay and other obligations.  I can't afford this time to go back on to jobhunting mode again.  It is a terrible feeling being trapped in a situation where I have no choice. I feel like I am reduced to a rut of daily survival mode.  This is definitely not what I bargained for when I moved here.

Why am I here? What am I doing here? I am on my mid-30's and yet here I am back in square one again.  What have I done to my life?  What has life to offer me when I grow old? Is there any hope for me at all?  I look around but all I see is darkness. Pitch black. I looked at the mirror.  I see the marks of stress in my face.  I have lost my youthful glow.  I have stress zits.  I now look like a hag.  I feel ugly, just like my life... Yuck! 

I am exhausted.  I feel tired even if the day has just begun.  I feel like I have lost my will to live.  I wanted to give up this life. Then one Sunday afternoon, I prayed and asked God to take away my life.  I told him that I am ready and that He can take me anytime.  

Upon uttering that prayer, I felt a gentle tug in my heart. A still and soft voice whispered to me and said, "If you are to die because of your own will, let it be for love, in service to others or for standing on your principles.  Let it not be because you are tired to press on the journey.  Your life will be meaningless if you choose to die for such insignificant reasons, especially for those people that do not matter."

At that point, I broke down in tears.  I feel humbled by the fact that God has given me this gift of life, of which I have not only taken for granted but also forsaken.  I was embarrassed by the thought of others striving hard to fight for their lives and yet here I am, irresponsibly ungrateful for this gift of life.

It has been said that life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain.  I wanted to ask God so many questions about my current life's turning points.  Why this, Why that ... But before I can go on, I stop myself because I can imagine God throwing back the question at me - why not?  I am reminded about my general purpose in life.  God is not after for my happiness.  He is more after for my holiness.  

James 1:2-4

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I believe there is a meaning and beauty behind all these things.  I know God loves me.  He knows what He is doing.  He has a greater plan and a bigger purpose behind all that is happening in my life right now. In His time, all the answers to my questions will be revealed. So even if I cannot trace His hands I just have to trust His heart.

Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28 says "ALL things", not "some things", but ALL.  This is truly a faith building exercise.  Problems and pains life may actually be for our own protection.  Because it is through this that we learn to seek him and yearn for His truth.  Our desperation is God's opportunity, for when we have come to the end of the line, is where God steps in. I am treading on volatile grounds.  I feel like I am already close to the edge.  But I constantly remind myself not to be afraid for God is on my side and if I should fall, either of the two things will happen, either He will catch me when I fall or He will give me wings to fly!

And with that, I wiped away my tears and dressed up and took on the full armor of God with the buckle of truth around my waist, with the breastplate of righteousness together with the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I am slowly rising from the pit, standing with my shaky knees and feeble feet.   I do not know all the answers, but that's all right because God knows them and that's all that matters.  I may be small and weak, but my God is big and He is strong. 

2 Chronicles 20:15  

"...Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s."

Romans 8:37

" all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." 

Ask me now again, "How are you?"

My answer is nervous but confident, afraid but boldly hopeful, surrendered but victorious.