Saturday, October 04, 2014

She Let Go



She let go.  Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.


She let go of the judgements.


She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.


She let go of the committee of indecision within her.


She let go of all the “right” reasons.


Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.


She didn’t ask anyone for advice.


She didn’t read a book on how to let go.


She just let go.


She let go of all the sentimental things that held her back.


She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.


She let go of the planning and all the calculations about how to do it just right.


She didn’t check the weather report.


She did not analyze whether she should let go.


She just did.


Like a leaf falling from the tree, she just let go.


There was no effort. There was no struggle.


It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.


In the space of letting go, she let it all be.


She has no concrete battle plan yet, but she is ready to embrace what lies ahead next.


She is letting go and learning how to do it along the way.  

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Moving On


So many questions and the answers are so few, if none.  I am left hanging in mid-air.  How can I just let him off the hook so easily?  I deserve some logical explanation.  I should have asked him. I could have demanded for it.  I should have told him all the pent up emotions I kept under wraps.  I was too scared I might say something that I might regret.  I was too concerned not to hurt his feelings.... But wait, what about my feelings?  He never cared for my feelings anyway.

Too late now.  Just let it go.  He is gone.  It is over.  No use replaying the past in my mind.  It is just a wasted energy.  Instead, I must focus now on taking a step moving forward.  It won't be easy but I will have to try.  

I can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing the situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could have, would have happened ... or I can just leave all that broken pieces on the floor and just move on.

The story of my life. I look at other women and wonder, how it can be so easy for them to find and keep the guy?  As for me, it is seems like a never ending story.

Perhaps this is my destiny.  Maybe my happy ending does not include a guy.  Maybe it is just going on my own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing myself up for something better in the future.  Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

I am not giving up. I'm just starting over again.  

This is the moment I realize that I am enough and I am complete.  There is nothing wrong with me.   In finding the right man for me, it also needs the right timing, the right heart, the right actions, the right motives, the right passion and the willingness to risk it all. 

This is the moment where I realize that yes, I am not perfect, but I am worth it.  I have always given my best to be the right woman. If he can't see it, then he just missed on what could have been the greatest opportunity in his lifetime. Only ignorant people walk away from greatness.   

Him, not wanting me is the beginning of me wanting myself. 


I am starting over again.  No more questions, no more doubts, no looking back.

Friday, May 23, 2014

It's not Me, It's Him



He just vanished in thin air.  Without any word.  Just like the mysterious Malaysian Airlines flight MH 370. Then... almost a month, he broke his silence, including our relationship and most of all my heart.  He did not say  much.  All he said was that he realized that he needed some time alone and that he is not ready for any relationship..."It's not you, it's me".

Right upon hearing those words, my mind spun a million thoughts in a minute. I thought I ticked all the boxes of being the right woman.  I showered him with my love, care, affection, kindness, patience, goodness and sweetness.  Or could I be too boring for him?  Where did I go wrong?  What went wrong?  We never argued.  We never fought. We share devotional, bible reading and prayer times together.  We both committed to our purity pact... Could it be because of our purity pact?  ... But wait, I tried to hint him that I am open to being kissed, but he never made any move.  Was I too promiscuous for him then? .. Or could he be gay? ... Or perhaps I am not desirable enough for him? 

Despite my internal ramifications, I held my breath and said nothing but "OK.  Thanks for letting me know." I held my composure and hid my dying emotions. Deep inside I was screaming for answers, begging for some logical explanations. Hoping that he would assuage these rambling questions in my head. But what's the point?  He has already conveniently used that crappy line.  So, I let him go.  No questions asked. 

"It's not you, its me." When he told me that statement, I no longer asked for any further explanation.  I hate that line so much.  It is so cliche.  It's more of an easy excuse and a cheap ticket way out.   As if I owe him some gratitude for letting me go.  As if he "sacrificed" his personal happiness with me, to secure me a better and brighter future. But perhaps it could be right.  This can be a blessing in disguise.

Note to self: you deserve a man.  A man who knows what he wants and knows how to get it.  A man who is invested in me, just as I am in him. These days, relationships are fragile.  I deserve a man who will fight for me and fight with me to make the relationship work.  I deserve respect, attention, care and love. I deserve a man who has decent communications skills to talk me through what is on his mind. A man brave enough to confront his issues with himself, with me and the relation - and open enough to share it with me. I deserve a man who wants me to be part of his life and sees me in his future, and would do anything to make that happen. If he cannot give that to me, then good riddance.  

My mind knows the logical response to this predicament.  However my heart feels otherwise.  Stupid heart.  Right now, I am a train wreck.  He is gone, but his memories haunt me. I cannot sleep.  I am back to my sleeping medication.  At work, half of my brain is trying to puzzle what really could have been the real reason and I only end up in tears. Just like the old days when MunchK left me.

Oh how I hate to be in this position again! Feeling orphaned, abandoned and rejected.  Am I not capable of being loved?  Is there really something wrong with me?  This feels like deja vu of my player Ex.  I must have some sort of magical talent for mysteriously disappearing boyfriends (now ex boyfriends). I could give those top notch magicians a run for their money.... But wait, they both said that it's not me, but them.  So it must be them then.  The only thing wrong with me could be my wrong choice of men.

I cannot wallow myself down this pit of depression again.  Especially not now that I am living on my own. There is no one else who can take care of myself but me alone. I am so vulnerable.  All the more that I need to get out of this cave of depression before it swallows me whole - again.  I promised myself to  never again go down that road.  I need to rise and defend myself.  I need a hero and this time, the only hero I can count on is me.

I still miss him and I do love him.  I am a lover and I am a fighter.  I fight for the people I love.  I fight and will do anything, even willingly make sacrifices, to make the relationship work.  However, I cannot fight this battle alone.  If he cannot fight with me, then the battle is already lost and gone.  So I wave my white flag and just let him win. 

The only battle left to face is the  battle  between my head and my heart.  My heart wants to stop thinking about him  but my heart longs for him.  Time, I need time.  I should go easy on myself.  I need some love and the first person to give that love is me.  I love him, so I let him go.  He is happier that way.  I love myself, so I let him go. I should not waste myself on someone who cannot love me the way I deserve to be. 

I will need to do some growing up of my own before I fully understand that this breakup could end up protecting and securing me for my future.   In the end, I should not let this experience haunt me. Final note to myself: Mourn, learn, keep it moving and remember, it's not me, it's him - straight from the horse's mouth.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Unbreak My Heart



Hello, Heart break, my old friend, we meet again.  Never thought I would ever meet you again.  But here we are.  You really have a smooth way of catching up with me. Why do you have to pursue me? Did you miss me?  I certainly did not.  

....

Red Robin, flashing his brave heart pursued me like there is no tomorrow.  Day and night, he knocked by the gates of my heart's chambers.  Rain or shine, he patiently waited. Unwavering.  Relentless.

Then finally, my walls came tumbling down. To me, there is nothing more irresistible than a man who knows what he wants and pursues after it  - despite the risks.  Not only did he risk rejection, but he stood up for it and fought for And so little by little, just as he was breaking the walls from the outside, I was also breaking my walls from the inside.  Until one day, the avalanche of bricks streamed through the grounds.  Again in my life, I felt free.  Bluebird is free to spread her wings and fly. 

With heart in my hand, happily I gave it to him.  He took my heart... But in snap of a finger he was gone. Without a word, he disappeared.   I found myself staring on a dead space, feeling lost, abandoned and confused.

Answers.  I needed answers.  But every time I try to seek for answers, it only breeds more questions.

I thought he was a Red Robin. I was wrong.  He is a Woodpecker.  He delights on knocking, disturbing and pecking challenging surfaces but once he has conquered it, he has lost interest and goes on preying for another conquest.

Let me tell you how it feels.... It feels like he pursued after my heart and after he has conquered it, he just grabbed it, smashed it to the ground and left.

I am now left with a chaotic mess of rubbles of stones from the walls I have overly built around my heart for the past years.  Shall I start rebuilding the walls?  Or shall I let it be?

I try to look at the positive side of things.  The bright side of this is that, at least now I can conclude that my heart is not made of stone and that given the right timing and the right person, it still has the amazing ability to love again - despite all odds.   Oh my  Bluebird heart, once again is broken, bruised, and played around.  But I am proud of it.  Because after everything it went through, it still works.

I have been hiding behind the walls.  Now the edifice has been broken, nowhere to hide.   I just let it be and let it feel.  Bluebird is dead. Bluebird died when the Woodpecker played with it.   It is just me now. Which can be a blessing in disguise. This time, no more smokescreen.  No more mask.  Just simply me. Exposed. Naked. Open. Vulnerable.  "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” (CS Lewis)

Cry if I must.  Let the tears fall as long as I can bear.  At least I can say to myself that I have loved, and have given my best. Whilst there are things beyond my control, but at least to the things within my control - I was in the moment and I gave my absolute best - never did I held back, never did I leave any word unspoken.  There shall be no regrets when I go into the future and look back at this moment. 

I still have so many questions.  I wanted closure.  But I guess, I will have to keep on moving on.  I need to stand up and be strong for myself.   I need to give myself my own closure.  It is about learning to accept the apology I never got.  It is about learning to move on despite unanswered questions.  It is about learning to embrace the uncertainty and letting faith take its own course.  It is about growing and learning... and hopefully learning to love again.

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Such is Life



Disappointments are present everyday.  They are everywhere.  Since the fall of man, from time immemorial, the world for which God has created, has lost its perfection. 

BUT

There is hope.
“In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33.

Stay hopeful.  Nothing in this world is permanent.  Even the darkest hour has only got 60 minutes. Fasten your seatbelt and hang on tight.  This too shall pass.  Life is full of challenges but hope is key to enduring and conquering them.

Choose to be happy.  Happiness is a state of mind.  It is a matter of perception. A perception that becomes your reality.  There are always two sides of the coin.  The good and the bad.  Where you put your focus on, magnifies, and becomes the defining truth of your situation.  Finding the good in all situations will help overcome negative defeating distorted beliefs.

Press on.  Calm seas never make a skillful sailor.  Don’t shy away from these challenges.  They turn sand into pearls, mud into gold.  The challenges we face in life teach us humility, patience and perseverance.  It makes us dig deep in to ourselves. It triggers us to discover our hidden potential. It stretched us beyond our own perceived limitations. 

Don’t give up.  Giving up is easy, but if you settle for an easy life, you will miss out on what could have been a far greater life ahead.  It can be frustrating.  And it hurts.  But the moment you give up, is the moment that you fail.  Sometimes, the temptation to give up is  at its most compelling point, just when you are about to succeed. 

Take it easy.  Sometimes it is not the load that breaks you, it is how you carry it.  Whilst it is not easy being in the thick of your life’s challenges, just savor the moment.  Learn what you need to learn. Do what you need to do.  Because this is what makes life worth living.  The journey may be long and oftentimes difficult – but it is all worth it.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Red Robin Heart



Bluebird's solo flight cruises on a steady speed as it  enjoys its seclusion within the high brick-walled towers of my secret garden.  Surprisingly, it did not feel lonely.  It enjoyed its own company, spending time with God. it learned more about its inner strengths, and was able to mend itself – gradually.

Over time, I have discovered a new and strange feeling that I have never felt before in my whole life:  joy and satisfaction in blessed singleness.  Admittedly, it took me a while to come in to terms with this.  I wanted to deny it as much as I can.  Being old and single has been one of my greatest fears in life.  At the age of 7, I knew I wanted to get married and be with someone and have someone to grow old with. I viewed singlehood as a curse that must be avoided at all cost.    However, in my solitude, I have developed fortitude.   I discovered the feeling of contentment.  I have this unexplainable peace that has left me with no other option but to admit, accept and embrace the blessings of singlehood.  Before me, I envision a life of successful career, high paycheck, lots of spontaneous travels, freedom from any ties/obligations and a pain-free heart.  Soon enough, I have learned to let go of my need to be in a relationship and embraced the gift of blessed singleness.

My Bluebird is fully mended and is happy, sassy, single and satisfied… Then came this little Red Robin.  He is one of the simplest, most unassuming, and shiest guy I have met.  I never saw it coming, nor have I ever expected it that he would pursue me.  How can a shy and meek Red Robin pursue a defensively strong Bluebird hidden within the high brick-walled towers?

Amidst uncertainties, challenges and tests set before him, this Red Robin pursued and endured.   Day and night, he consistently scaled the high towers.  He laid aside his fears fought hard to bring down the defenses - brick by brick, day by day, resolute in his quest – knowing that the reward in the end will be proven worthy of all his hard work and effort. He knocked at the gates of my heart.  By the gate side, there he stood waiting for me, shy but unashamed to openly give its red heart to me.

I was not interested.  My Bluebird heart has been enjoying its solo flight, that it even feels threatened by the idea of having to share the flight path someone else.  I have already drawn out my plans, this time for myself alone.  The future I have laid out for myself looks good.  Will I allow Bluebird's flight plan to be thwarted? ... Will Bluebird allow me to?

I turned him down.

But Red Robin remained persistent in its pursuit.  Daunted but determined. Shaken but steadfast. Unsure but unwavering.  Over the course of time, he has proven that he is serious and sincere. He is patient and not pushy. He is genuine and gentle. He is calm and committed.

Red Robin dared to climb the high bricked-walls of my secret garden.

Red Robin dared to dive the ocean deep to search for that rustic treasure chest where my Bluebird heart hides.

Red Robin dared to draw closer to God, to seek Him and ask Him for the keys.

Slowly, steady and surely, the walls came tumbling down.  Just as Red Robin was tearing down the walls, brick by brick from the outside, Bluebird was also tearing down the walls, brick by brick from the inside.

Walls are down, the treasure chest has been found, the keys have been given. Bluebird now is finally free and has found its way back to love.  Bluebird now hums a new melody of love in sync with Red Robin. Bluebird now flies a new flight of happiness, side by side with Red Robin.  

Bluebird's flight plan may have taken a detour. But the future now looks definitely even brighter and better, having to share the sun, the skies, the clouds and the rainbows with Red Robin.  

I always used to say that I am single, sassy and satisfied, it only takes one amazing man to change it.  It was totally unexpected, but I sure am glad to find my amazing Red Robin.  I am even more glad that he pursued me and never gave up.  He is amazing and he is mine.

Saturday, March 01, 2014

My Secret Garden



My heart is a secret garden and the towers are very high.

I have covered my bluebird heart with bubble-wrap, placed it inside a treasure chest, sealed with a golden padlock and thrown in to the deepest deep of the ocean trench.  I do not know where that treasure chest is now, and I do not also have the key.  I gave the key to God.

I have given my heart a rest.  For a year I went on man fasting… which kind of extended for another year. Some close friends think that I may have been traumatized by love.  They lovingly ask me when I am ready to venture out, go out and let my bluebird fly again. I tell them only when I’m ready.  And only time can tell. 

Admittedly, I wonder if I am capable of falling in love again?  But I tell myself that I am in no rush.  I want to move on naturally, slowly but steady.  In the meantime, I want to be left on my own.  Not to have a pity party, but more on to reconnect myself.  This is part of my internal rehabilitation process.  I need some time alone with myself – time to ask myself some questions and listen quietly for some answers.

Over time, I have discovered a simple truth: I am not as broken as I think I am.  I am not doing this to heal myself, but to heal my process.  Sure, I have a couple of battle wounds, bruises and scars, marred with painful memories, but then again, all great victors do.  I would not look at my past as a mistake, but as a learning experience. 

For the time being, I just am focusing on myself - understand my purpose, realize my potential and pursue my plans and vision for my life.  I think I would be more appealing and dateable when I can bring contribution to someone else, when I discover so much truth about myself and so much value in myself that I become an asset to someone, rather than a deficit.
While in this journey, I have learnt to detach myself from the need to be in a relationship and focus on being happy on my own.  I am single, sassy and satisfied.   Indeed, I have found my happiness.  A man may potentially add to my happiness, but he can never define it.

Yes, I do believe in love.  Despite the journey I have been through, I still do believe in love, in its intricate beauty and all encompassing glory.  One broken love does not mean the end of loving.  To  love is to be vulnerable, to love is to give the other person the power to hurt you.  But despite the risk, it is all worth it.  The next time I fall in love, I would still give my all.  Because for me, love is not love at all unless it Is given freely, fully surrendered.  So many things mediocre in life, love should not be one of them.   So the next time I fall in love again, I would still give my100%.  I do not want to do it half-hearted, unless I am willing to settle in being only half-happy.

I know I am not getting any younger.  But all the more that I should be now extremely careful in finding my way back to love.  I cannot afford to waste my time in making any mistakes. I have loved, I have lived, I have learnt… I know what I am capable of, when it comes to loving.  I know the risks involved.  I know my capacity to give and capacity to endure.  Love will bring back me again to that position of vulnerability and pain, but if he is worth it, it is worth all the risk.  Besides, if he is indeed the right man for me in the first place, he will never take me to that place of rejection, pain and abandonment.

My heart is a secret garden and the towers are very high. Go climb the walls, if you must dare.

My bluebird heart is hidden and submerged somewhere in the deep.  Go and take the dive, if you must dare.

The key to my heart is with God.  Go and seek Him with all your heart, ask him for the key, if you must dare.

I ain’t for the faint-hearted.  Are you strong enough to be my man? … Ah yes, I am single … you must be damn pretty amazing if you want to change that status. xxx