Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Red Robin Heart

Bluebird's solo flight cruises on a steady speed as it  enjoys its seclusion within the high brick-walled towers of my secret garden.  Surprisingly, it did not feel lonely.  It enjoyed its own company, spending time with God. it learned more about its inner strengths, and was able to mend itself – gradually.

Over time, I have discovered a new and strange feeling that I have never felt before in my whole life:  joy and satisfaction in blessed singleness.  Admittedly, it took me a while to come in to terms with this.  I wanted to deny it as much as I can.  Being old and single has been one of my greatest fears in life.  At the age of 7, I knew I wanted to get married and be with someone and have someone to grow old with. I viewed singlehood as a curse that must be avoided at all cost.    However, in my solitude, I have developed fortitude.   I discovered the feeling of contentment.  I have this unexplainable peace that has left me with no other option but to admit, accept and embrace the blessings of singlehood.  Before me, I envision a life of successful career, high paycheck, lots of spontaneous travels, freedom from any ties/obligations and a pain-free heart.  Soon enough, I have learned to let go of my need to be in a relationship and embraced the gift of blessed singleness.

My Bluebird is fully mended and is happy, sassy, single and satisfied… Then came this little Red Robin.  He is one of the simplest, most unassuming, and shiest guy I have met.  I never saw it coming, nor have I ever expected it that he would pursue me.  How can a shy and meek Red Robin pursue a defensively strong Bluebird hidden within the high brick-walled towers?

Amidst uncertainties, challenges and tests set before him, this Red Robin pursued and endured.   Day and night, he consistently scaled the high towers.  He laid aside his fears fought hard to bring down the defenses - brick by brick, day by day, resolute in his quest – knowing that the reward in the end will be proven worthy of all his hard work and effort. He knocked at the gates of my heart.  By the gate side, there he stood waiting for me, shy but unashamed to openly give its red heart to me.

I was not interested.  My Bluebird heart has been enjoying its solo flight, that it even feels threatened by the idea of having to share the flight path someone else.  I have already drawn out my plans, this time for myself alone.  The future I have laid out for myself looks good.  Will I allow Bluebird's flight plan to be thwarted? ... Will Bluebird allow me to?

I turned him down.

But Red Robin remained persistent in its pursuit.  Daunted but determined. Shaken but steadfast. Unsure but unwavering.  Over the course of time, he has proven that he is serious and sincere. He is patient and not pushy. He is genuine and gentle. He is calm and committed.

Red Robin dared to climb the high bricked-walls of my secret garden.

Red Robin dared to dive the ocean deep to search for that rustic treasure chest where my Bluebird heart hides.

Red Robin dared to draw closer to God, to seek Him and ask Him for the keys.

Slowly, steady and surely, the walls came tumbling down.  Just as Red Robin was tearing down the walls, brick by brick from the outside, Bluebird was also tearing down the walls, brick by brick from the inside.

Walls are down, the treasure chest has been found, the keys have been given. Bluebird now is finally free and has found its way back to love.  Bluebird now hums a new melody of love in sync with Red Robin. Bluebird now flies a new flight of happiness, side by side with Red Robin.  

Bluebird's flight plan may have taken a detour. But the future now looks definitely even brighter and better, having to share the sun, the skies, the clouds and the rainbows with Red Robin.  

I always used to say that I am single, sassy and satisfied, it only takes one amazing man to change it.  It was totally unexpected, but I sure am glad to find my amazing Red Robin.  I am even more glad that he pursued me and never gave up.  He is amazing and he is mine.

Saturday, March 01, 2014

My Secret Garden

My heart is a secret garden and the towers are very high.

I have covered my bluebird heart with bubble-wrap, placed it inside a treasure chest, sealed with a golden padlock and thrown in to the deepest deep of the ocean trench.  I do not know where that treasure chest is now, and I do not also have the key.  I gave the key to God.

I have given my heart a rest.  For a year I went on man fasting… which kind of extended for another year. Some close friends think that I may have been traumatized by love.  They lovingly ask me when I am ready to venture out, go out and let my bluebird fly again. I tell them only when I’m ready.  And only time can tell. 

Admittedly, I wonder if I am capable of falling in love again?  But I tell myself that I am in no rush.  I want to move on naturally, slowly but steady.  In the meantime, I want to be left on my own.  Not to have a pity party, but more on to reconnect myself.  This is part of my internal rehabilitation process.  I need some time alone with myself – time to ask myself some questions and listen quietly for some answers.

Over time, I have discovered a simple truth: I am not as broken as I think I am.  I am not doing this to heal myself, but to heal my process.  Sure, I have a couple of battle wounds, bruises and scars, marred with painful memories, but then again, all great victors do.  I would not look at my past as a mistake, but as a learning experience. 

For the time being, I just am focusing on myself - understand my purpose, realize my potential and pursue my plans and vision for my life.  I think I would be more appealing and dateable when I can bring contribution to someone else, when I discover so much truth about myself and so much value in myself that I become an asset to someone, rather than a deficit.
While in this journey, I have learnt to detach myself from the need to be in a relationship and focus on being happy on my own.  I am single, sassy and satisfied.   Indeed, I have found my happiness.  A man may potentially add to my happiness, but he can never define it.

Yes, I do believe in love.  Despite the journey I have been through, I still do believe in love, in its intricate beauty and all encompassing glory.  One broken love does not mean the end of loving.  To  love is to be vulnerable, to love is to give the other person the power to hurt you.  But despite the risk, it is all worth it.  The next time I fall in love, I would still give my all.  Because for me, love is not love at all unless it Is given freely, fully surrendered.  So many things mediocre in life, love should not be one of them.   So the next time I fall in love again, I would still give my100%.  I do not want to do it half-hearted, unless I am willing to settle in being only half-happy.

I know I am not getting any younger.  But all the more that I should be now extremely careful in finding my way back to love.  I cannot afford to waste my time in making any mistakes. I have loved, I have lived, I have learnt… I know what I am capable of, when it comes to loving.  I know the risks involved.  I know my capacity to give and capacity to endure.  Love will bring back me again to that position of vulnerability and pain, but if he is worth it, it is worth all the risk.  Besides, if he is indeed the right man for me in the first place, he will never take me to that place of rejection, pain and abandonment.

My heart is a secret garden and the towers are very high. Go climb the walls, if you must dare.

My bluebird heart is hidden and submerged somewhere in the deep.  Go and take the dive, if you must dare.

The key to my heart is with God.  Go and seek Him with all your heart, ask him for the key, if you must dare.

I ain’t for the faint-hearted.  Are you strong enough to be my man? … Ah yes, I am single … you must be damn pretty amazing if you want to change that status. xxx