Saturday, March 01, 2014

My Secret Garden

My heart is a secret garden and the towers are very high.

I have covered my bluebird heart with bubble-wrap, placed it inside a treasure chest, sealed with a golden padlock and thrown in to the deepest deep of the ocean trench.  I do not know where that treasure chest is now, and I do not also have the key.  I gave the key to God.

I have given my heart a rest.  For a year I went on man fasting… which kind of extended for another year. Some close friends think that I may have been traumatized by love.  They lovingly ask me when I am ready to venture out, go out and let my bluebird fly again. I tell them only when I’m ready.  And only time can tell. 

Admittedly, I wonder if I am capable of falling in love again?  But I tell myself that I am in no rush.  I want to move on naturally, slowly but steady.  In the meantime, I want to be left on my own.  Not to have a pity party, but more on to reconnect myself.  This is part of my internal rehabilitation process.  I need some time alone with myself – time to ask myself some questions and listen quietly for some answers.

Over time, I have discovered a simple truth: I am not as broken as I think I am.  I am not doing this to heal myself, but to heal my process.  Sure, I have a couple of battle wounds, bruises and scars, marred with painful memories, but then again, all great victors do.  I would not look at my past as a mistake, but as a learning experience. 

For the time being, I just am focusing on myself - understand my purpose, realize my potential and pursue my plans and vision for my life.  I think I would be more appealing and dateable when I can bring contribution to someone else, when I discover so much truth about myself and so much value in myself that I become an asset to someone, rather than a deficit.
While in this journey, I have learnt to detach myself from the need to be in a relationship and focus on being happy on my own.  I am single, sassy and satisfied.   Indeed, I have found my happiness.  A man may potentially add to my happiness, but he can never define it.

Yes, I do believe in love.  Despite the journey I have been through, I still do believe in love, in its intricate beauty and all encompassing glory.  One broken love does not mean the end of loving.  To  love is to be vulnerable, to love is to give the other person the power to hurt you.  But despite the risk, it is all worth it.  The next time I fall in love, I would still give my all.  Because for me, love is not love at all unless it Is given freely, fully surrendered.  So many things mediocre in life, love should not be one of them.   So the next time I fall in love again, I would still give my100%.  I do not want to do it half-hearted, unless I am willing to settle in being only half-happy.

I know I am not getting any younger.  But all the more that I should be now extremely careful in finding my way back to love.  I cannot afford to waste my time in making any mistakes. I have loved, I have lived, I have learnt… I know what I am capable of, when it comes to loving.  I know the risks involved.  I know my capacity to give and capacity to endure.  Love will bring back me again to that position of vulnerability and pain, but if he is worth it, it is worth all the risk.  Besides, if he is indeed the right man for me in the first place, he will never take me to that place of rejection, pain and abandonment.

My heart is a secret garden and the towers are very high. Go climb the walls, if you must dare.

My bluebird heart is hidden and submerged somewhere in the deep.  Go and take the dive, if you must dare.

The key to my heart is with God.  Go and seek Him with all your heart, ask him for the key, if you must dare.

I ain’t for the faint-hearted.  Are you strong enough to be my man? … Ah yes, I am single … you must be damn pretty amazing if you want to change that status. xxx