Friday, May 23, 2014

It's not Me, It's Him



He just vanished in thin air.  Without any word.  Just like the mysterious Malaysian Airlines flight MH 370. Then... almost a month, he broke his silence, including our relationship and most of all my heart.  He did not say  much.  All he said was that he realized that he needed some time alone and that he is not ready for any relationship..."It's not you, it's me".

Right upon hearing those words, my mind spun a million thoughts in a minute. I thought I ticked all the boxes of being the right woman.  I showered him with my love, care, affection, kindness, patience, goodness and sweetness.  Or could I be too boring for him?  Where did I go wrong?  What went wrong?  We never argued.  We never fought. We share devotional, bible reading and prayer times together.  We both committed to our purity pact... Could it be because of our purity pact?  ... But wait, I tried to hint him that I am open to being kissed, but he never made any move.  Was I too promiscuous for him then? .. Or could he be gay? ... Or perhaps I am not desirable enough for him? 

Despite my internal ramifications, I held my breath and said nothing but "OK.  Thanks for letting me know." I held my composure and hid my dying emotions. Deep inside I was screaming for answers, begging for some logical explanations. Hoping that he would assuage these rambling questions in my head. But what's the point?  He has already conveniently used that crappy line.  So, I let him go.  No questions asked. 

"It's not you, its me." When he told me that statement, I no longer asked for any further explanation.  I hate that line so much.  It is so cliche.  It's more of an easy excuse and a cheap ticket way out.   As if I owe him some gratitude for letting me go.  As if he "sacrificed" his personal happiness with me, to secure me a better and brighter future. But perhaps it could be right.  This can be a blessing in disguise.

Note to self: you deserve a man.  A man who knows what he wants and knows how to get it.  A man who is invested in me, just as I am in him. These days, relationships are fragile.  I deserve a man who will fight for me and fight with me to make the relationship work.  I deserve respect, attention, care and love. I deserve a man who has decent communications skills to talk me through what is on his mind. A man brave enough to confront his issues with himself, with me and the relation - and open enough to share it with me. I deserve a man who wants me to be part of his life and sees me in his future, and would do anything to make that happen. If he cannot give that to me, then good riddance.  

My mind knows the logical response to this predicament.  However my heart feels otherwise.  Stupid heart.  Right now, I am a train wreck.  He is gone, but his memories haunt me. I cannot sleep.  I am back to my sleeping medication.  At work, half of my brain is trying to puzzle what really could have been the real reason and I only end up in tears. Just like the old days when MunchK left me.

Oh how I hate to be in this position again! Feeling orphaned, abandoned and rejected.  Am I not capable of being loved?  Is there really something wrong with me?  This feels like deja vu of my player Ex.  I must have some sort of magical talent for mysteriously disappearing boyfriends (now ex boyfriends). I could give those top notch magicians a run for their money.... But wait, they both said that it's not me, but them.  So it must be them then.  The only thing wrong with me could be my wrong choice of men.

I cannot wallow myself down this pit of depression again.  Especially not now that I am living on my own. There is no one else who can take care of myself but me alone. I am so vulnerable.  All the more that I need to get out of this cave of depression before it swallows me whole - again.  I promised myself to  never again go down that road.  I need to rise and defend myself.  I need a hero and this time, the only hero I can count on is me.

I still miss him and I do love him.  I am a lover and I am a fighter.  I fight for the people I love.  I fight and will do anything, even willingly make sacrifices, to make the relationship work.  However, I cannot fight this battle alone.  If he cannot fight with me, then the battle is already lost and gone.  So I wave my white flag and just let him win. 

The only battle left to face is the  battle  between my head and my heart.  My heart wants to stop thinking about him  but my heart longs for him.  Time, I need time.  I should go easy on myself.  I need some love and the first person to give that love is me.  I love him, so I let him go.  He is happier that way.  I love myself, so I let him go. I should not waste myself on someone who cannot love me the way I deserve to be. 

I will need to do some growing up of my own before I fully understand that this breakup could end up protecting and securing me for my future.   In the end, I should not let this experience haunt me. Final note to myself: Mourn, learn, keep it moving and remember, it's not me, it's him - straight from the horse's mouth.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Unbreak My Heart



Hello, Heart break, my old friend, we meet again.  Never thought I would ever meet you again.  But here we are.  You really have a smooth way of catching up with me. Why do you have to pursue me? Did you miss me?  I certainly did not.  

....

Red Robin, flashing his brave heart pursued me like there is no tomorrow.  Day and night, he knocked by the gates of my heart's chambers.  Rain or shine, he patiently waited. Unwavering.  Relentless.

Then finally, my walls came tumbling down. To me, there is nothing more irresistible than a man who knows what he wants and pursues after it  - despite the risks.  Not only did he risk rejection, but he stood up for it and fought for And so little by little, just as he was breaking the walls from the outside, I was also breaking my walls from the inside.  Until one day, the avalanche of bricks streamed through the grounds.  Again in my life, I felt free.  Bluebird is free to spread her wings and fly. 

With heart in my hand, happily I gave it to him.  He took my heart... But in snap of a finger he was gone. Without a word, he disappeared.   I found myself staring on a dead space, feeling lost, abandoned and confused.

Answers.  I needed answers.  But every time I try to seek for answers, it only breeds more questions.

I thought he was a Red Robin. I was wrong.  He is a Woodpecker.  He delights on knocking, disturbing and pecking challenging surfaces but once he has conquered it, he has lost interest and goes on preying for another conquest.

Let me tell you how it feels.... It feels like he pursued after my heart and after he has conquered it, he just grabbed it, smashed it to the ground and left.

I am now left with a chaotic mess of rubbles of stones from the walls I have overly built around my heart for the past years.  Shall I start rebuilding the walls?  Or shall I let it be?

I try to look at the positive side of things.  The bright side of this is that, at least now I can conclude that my heart is not made of stone and that given the right timing and the right person, it still has the amazing ability to love again - despite all odds.   Oh my  Bluebird heart, once again is broken, bruised, and played around.  But I am proud of it.  Because after everything it went through, it still works.

I have been hiding behind the walls.  Now the edifice has been broken, nowhere to hide.   I just let it be and let it feel.  Bluebird is dead. Bluebird died when the Woodpecker played with it.   It is just me now. Which can be a blessing in disguise. This time, no more smokescreen.  No more mask.  Just simply me. Exposed. Naked. Open. Vulnerable.  "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” (CS Lewis)

Cry if I must.  Let the tears fall as long as I can bear.  At least I can say to myself that I have loved, and have given my best. Whilst there are things beyond my control, but at least to the things within my control - I was in the moment and I gave my absolute best - never did I held back, never did I leave any word unspoken.  There shall be no regrets when I go into the future and look back at this moment. 

I still have so many questions.  I wanted closure.  But I guess, I will have to keep on moving on.  I need to stand up and be strong for myself.   I need to give myself my own closure.  It is about learning to accept the apology I never got.  It is about learning to move on despite unanswered questions.  It is about learning to embrace the uncertainty and letting faith take its own course.  It is about growing and learning... and hopefully learning to love again.

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Such is Life



Disappointments are present everyday.  They are everywhere.  Since the fall of man, from time immemorial, the world for which God has created, has lost its perfection. 

BUT

There is hope.
“In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33.

Stay hopeful.  Nothing in this world is permanent.  Even the darkest hour has only got 60 minutes. Fasten your seatbelt and hang on tight.  This too shall pass.  Life is full of challenges but hope is key to enduring and conquering them.

Choose to be happy.  Happiness is a state of mind.  It is a matter of perception. A perception that becomes your reality.  There are always two sides of the coin.  The good and the bad.  Where you put your focus on, magnifies, and becomes the defining truth of your situation.  Finding the good in all situations will help overcome negative defeating distorted beliefs.

Press on.  Calm seas never make a skillful sailor.  Don’t shy away from these challenges.  They turn sand into pearls, mud into gold.  The challenges we face in life teach us humility, patience and perseverance.  It makes us dig deep in to ourselves. It triggers us to discover our hidden potential. It stretched us beyond our own perceived limitations. 

Don’t give up.  Giving up is easy, but if you settle for an easy life, you will miss out on what could have been a far greater life ahead.  It can be frustrating.  And it hurts.  But the moment you give up, is the moment that you fail.  Sometimes, the temptation to give up is  at its most compelling point, just when you are about to succeed. 

Take it easy.  Sometimes it is not the load that breaks you, it is how you carry it.  Whilst it is not easy being in the thick of your life’s challenges, just savor the moment.  Learn what you need to learn. Do what you need to do.  Because this is what makes life worth living.  The journey may be long and oftentimes difficult – but it is all worth it.