Friday, May 16, 2014

Unbreak My Heart



Hello, Heart break, my old friend, we meet again.  Never thought I would ever meet you again.  But here we are.  You really have a smooth way of catching up with me. Why do you have to pursue me? Did you miss me?  I certainly did not.  

....

Red Robin, flashing his brave heart pursued me like there is no tomorrow.  Day and night, he knocked by the gates of my heart's chambers.  Rain or shine, he patiently waited. Unwavering.  Relentless.

Then finally, my walls came tumbling down. To me, there is nothing more irresistible than a man who knows what he wants and pursues after it  - despite the risks.  Not only did he risk rejection, but he stood up for it and fought for And so little by little, just as he was breaking the walls from the outside, I was also breaking my walls from the inside.  Until one day, the avalanche of bricks streamed through the grounds.  Again in my life, I felt free.  Bluebird is free to spread her wings and fly. 

With heart in my hand, happily I gave it to him.  He took my heart... But in snap of a finger he was gone. Without a word, he disappeared.   I found myself staring on a dead space, feeling lost, abandoned and confused.

Answers.  I needed answers.  But every time I try to seek for answers, it only breeds more questions.

I thought he was a Red Robin. I was wrong.  He is a Woodpecker.  He delights on knocking, disturbing and pecking challenging surfaces but once he has conquered it, he has lost interest and goes on preying for another conquest.

Let me tell you how it feels.... It feels like he pursued after my heart and after he has conquered it, he just grabbed it, smashed it to the ground and left.

I am now left with a chaotic mess of rubbles of stones from the walls I have overly built around my heart for the past years.  Shall I start rebuilding the walls?  Or shall I let it be?

I try to look at the positive side of things.  The bright side of this is that, at least now I can conclude that my heart is not made of stone and that given the right timing and the right person, it still has the amazing ability to love again - despite all odds.   Oh my  Bluebird heart, once again is broken, bruised, and played around.  But I am proud of it.  Because after everything it went through, it still works.

I have been hiding behind the walls.  Now the edifice has been broken, nowhere to hide.   I just let it be and let it feel.  Bluebird is dead. Bluebird died when the Woodpecker played with it.   It is just me now. Which can be a blessing in disguise. This time, no more smokescreen.  No more mask.  Just simply me. Exposed. Naked. Open. Vulnerable.  "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” (CS Lewis)

Cry if I must.  Let the tears fall as long as I can bear.  At least I can say to myself that I have loved, and have given my best. Whilst there are things beyond my control, but at least to the things within my control - I was in the moment and I gave my absolute best - never did I held back, never did I leave any word unspoken.  There shall be no regrets when I go into the future and look back at this moment. 

I still have so many questions.  I wanted closure.  But I guess, I will have to keep on moving on.  I need to stand up and be strong for myself.   I need to give myself my own closure.  It is about learning to accept the apology I never got.  It is about learning to move on despite unanswered questions.  It is about learning to embrace the uncertainty and letting faith take its own course.  It is about growing and learning... and hopefully learning to love again.

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