Friday, May 23, 2014

It's not Me, It's Him

He just vanished in thin air.  Without any word.  Just like the mysterious Malaysian Airlines flight MH 370. Then... almost a month, he broke his silence, including our relationship and most of all my heart.  He did not say  much.  All he said was that he realized that he needed some time alone and that he is not ready for any relationship..."It's not you, it's me".

Right upon hearing those words, my mind spun a million thoughts in a minute. I thought I ticked all the boxes of being the right woman.  I showered him with my love, care, affection, kindness, patience, goodness and sweetness.  Or could I be too boring for him?  Where did I go wrong?  What went wrong?  We never argued.  We never fought. We share devotional, bible reading and prayer times together.  We both committed to our purity pact... Could it be because of our purity pact?  ... But wait, I tried to hint him that I am open to being kissed, but he never made any move.  Was I too promiscuous for him then? .. Or could he be gay? ... Or perhaps I am not desirable enough for him? 

Despite my internal ramifications, I held my breath and said nothing but "OK.  Thanks for letting me know." I held my composure and hid my dying emotions. Deep inside I was screaming for answers, begging for some logical explanations. Hoping that he would assuage these rambling questions in my head. But what's the point?  He has already conveniently used that crappy line.  So, I let him go.  No questions asked. 

"It's not you, its me." When he told me that statement, I no longer asked for any further explanation.  I hate that line so much.  It is so cliche.  It's more of an easy excuse and a cheap ticket way out.   As if I owe him some gratitude for letting me go.  As if he "sacrificed" his personal happiness with me, to secure me a better and brighter future. But perhaps it could be right.  This can be a blessing in disguise.

Note to self: you deserve a man.  A man who knows what he wants and knows how to get it.  A man who is invested in me, just as I am in him. These days, relationships are fragile.  I deserve a man who will fight for me and fight with me to make the relationship work.  I deserve respect, attention, care and love. I deserve a man who has decent communications skills to talk me through what is on his mind. A man brave enough to confront his issues with himself, with me and the relation - and open enough to share it with me. I deserve a man who wants me to be part of his life and sees me in his future, and would do anything to make that happen. If he cannot give that to me, then good riddance.  

My mind knows the logical response to this predicament.  However my heart feels otherwise.  Stupid heart.  Right now, I am a train wreck.  He is gone, but his memories haunt me. I cannot sleep.  I am back to my sleeping medication.  At work, half of my brain is trying to puzzle what really could have been the real reason and I only end up in tears. Just like the old days when MunchK left me.

Oh how I hate to be in this position again! Feeling orphaned, abandoned and rejected.  Am I not capable of being loved?  Is there really something wrong with me?  This feels like deja vu of my player Ex.  I must have some sort of magical talent for mysteriously disappearing boyfriends (now ex boyfriends). I could give those top notch magicians a run for their money.... But wait, they both said that it's not me, but them.  So it must be them then.  The only thing wrong with me could be my wrong choice of men.

I cannot wallow myself down this pit of depression again.  Especially not now that I am living on my own. There is no one else who can take care of myself but me alone. I am so vulnerable.  All the more that I need to get out of this cave of depression before it swallows me whole - again.  I promised myself to  never again go down that road.  I need to rise and defend myself.  I need a hero and this time, the only hero I can count on is me.

I still miss him and I do love him.  I am a lover and I am a fighter.  I fight for the people I love.  I fight and will do anything, even willingly make sacrifices, to make the relationship work.  However, I cannot fight this battle alone.  If he cannot fight with me, then the battle is already lost and gone.  So I wave my white flag and just let him win. 

The only battle left to face is the  battle  between my head and my heart.  My heart wants to stop thinking about him  but my heart longs for him.  Time, I need time.  I should go easy on myself.  I need some love and the first person to give that love is me.  I love him, so I let him go.  He is happier that way.  I love myself, so I let him go. I should not waste myself on someone who cannot love me the way I deserve to be. 

I will need to do some growing up of my own before I fully understand that this breakup could end up protecting and securing me for my future.   In the end, I should not let this experience haunt me. Final note to myself: Mourn, learn, keep it moving and remember, it's not me, it's him - straight from the horse's mouth.