Sunday, May 10, 2015

Young Black Stallion

Where do I begin to tell a story and the tale of two hearts?   It was over before it even had a chance to start...

When the woodpecker made its disappearing act, I forced myself up and managed to picked myself back together again.  In my path to healing, I met this young stud.  He too, also came from a recent break-up.   We forged friendship and alliance.  He would advice me and give me his candor piece of mind coming from a male's perspective on things.  While I disagree, or refuse to accept some of his versions of truths, especially on relationships, he has challenged my naivete and broadened my landscape.  He helped me speed up my recovery and taught me to look after for myself, first and foremost, when engaging in a relationship.

I, in turn, challenged him and gave him some morsels of my modest feminine temperance, coming from my pink visions.  He also does not buy in to some of my truths, but hey I still give to him anyway.

Just like any typical guy, his way of recovering from his heartbreak was getting back on the dating scene.  (Whilst mine was of course, hibernating). After his dates, he would return to me and share to me bits and piece of his adventures out there in the dating arena.  I sometimes, end up shaking my head in disagreement on some of his ways and would scold him as if those women were my friends. 

Repeatedly, I would tell him that I wish someday he will meet his match.  I wish this woman will rock his world so hard that he will realize the very essence of the things I have tried so hard to explain to him.  And when that time comes, I hope he would introduce that woman to me, so I can pay my homage to her.

He would just shrug that notion of, in sarcastic disbelief - every single time. We both know each other's stand on relationships and that is at the opposite ends of the scale.  But we call this a truce.  Our dynamics has always been like that. We were honest and raw with our thoughts and emotions. We may not be in tangent all the time, but we hear each other out.  We sometimes agree to disagree - with respect and try not to impose each other.  

We were like brother and sister... I treated him like a dear younger brother, as he is after all 7 years younger than me.  I became easily comfortable with him.  I can tell him anything I want, without fear of judgement.  We would pick each other up, when one is feeling low.  He have been an encourager to one another.   And for the first time, I enjoyed having a male buddy in my life, with no expectations. Primarily of our age gap and his choice of hot young women,  and my choice for steady mature men, surely, no emotional entanglements can come out of this.  

But one day, out of the blue, he asked me out.  This time for a date.  I almost choked in disbelief.  How could he look at me as a dateable material?  Has he ran out of women that he is desperate now to ask me out? Has he got no respect for our friendship that he is willing to ruin it by making me his flavor of the month?  I bashed him with all my questions.  

I got my walls up and got very defensive.   In the end I said yes.  Not just because of his justifications and response to each of my questions, but also because I was curious and more so because I was flattered.  To be pursued by a young stud is indeed flattering.  I honestly did not see this coming. True to his form, like a dark horse,  he totally caught me off-guard.  And I was pleasantly surprised in the end.

His timing could have not been more perfect.  He came at a stage when the Woodpecker left me and I was also in a deep rut at work in that Circus workplace.  I was at that down-low moment.  I felt ugly, unwanted, unloved.  Then here he comes, showering me with his attention, flirting me with his charms, playing with his youth and sweeping me off with his suave smooth ways. He made me feel young again.  And not only that, he made me feel hot like I am someone crazy sexy beautiful. He brought out the sexy back in me.  I felt confident. Maybe this is the effect of having a younger man pursuing you.  In as much as I hate to admit it, but it feels flattering. He made me feel appreciated, validated and cherished.  He was there in that very moment.  And I guess he was exactly what I needed at that point.

However, as time goes by and the more time I spend with him, I feel more drawn.  I am beginning to feel something that I should not feel.  What started out as something fun for me is slowly becoming serious for me.  I am afraid if this feeling.  And as result of this feeling, I am much more afraid of the things I am capable and willing to do for him.  The more I give, the more I want to give more.  By nature I have a loving and expressive heart.  It hurts to feel and not being able to express it.  I cannot pretend to be cool and nonchalant about us, when deep inside I feel more.

Whilst we have been open and upfront with each other, this time, I feel it is different.  I am not sure with him, but to me I feel like we are now both walking on eggshells, conscious not to complicate things.  I have not told him of what I am feeling this time because it might overwhelm him.  This could be too much for him.  What if he is not ready?  What if we are not on the same page?  Then I end up being rejected - again.  I did not initiate "the talk" because I do not want to appear needy.  Besides, if he wants it, he will initiate it himself.

I have learned in the past that if love is a game, the one who loves more - loses.  I have always been the one who loves more. That is my problem.  I have already dipped my feet in the water, I need to get out off the shore before it drowns me.  I have to take care of myself and watch over my back, just as the way how he taught me.

How do you tame a wild horse?  The answer is no .. unless the horse himself wants to be tamed... unless the horse himself wants to be domesticated.  The expression of love is freedom.  Love in such a way that the other person feels free.  I am not going to manipulate him to change.  He belongs in the wild, and so I am setting him free.  

At the same time, I am no horse tamer. I do not want to busy myself learning how to be one and then in the process miss out on the opportunity of meeting my true knight in shining armor.  I am nipping in the bud whatever puppy love emotion I am beginning to feel, before it can even brach out and blossom further.  I am going to park this young black stallion aside now there in the friend zone.  In the end, I am still happy that I get to keep him as a friend. I am thankful for the things he has taught me and everything that he has given to me.  I will always be there for him, even just as a friend.  No expectations.  All is well that ends well.  

.... How do I end a story and the tale of two hearts? Now, this is my side of the story.... Is it really over before it even had a chance to start? ... You'll have to ask him for his side of the story.  How do we know?  ... I guess at this stage only time will tell.